Awesome Crap

“Awesome Crap Sale” was the sign our neighbors (Jeff & Marie) erected to announce their garage sale last weekend. I figured this was a real can’t-miss-event, so I ambled over to see how awesome their crap really was.

While looking over their knick-knack table (“You can have anything on the table for only 10¢ each”), and fiddling with a broken camera tripod (“Oh, I suppose I could let you have it for only five dollars”), Jeff came up to me and whispered, “Ron, do you know anyone who can use a waterbed?”

“I didn’t know people still slept on them,” I mused.

“Well I have one in my basement and Marie is pretty upset that I’ve kept it. I could let it go for only fifty bucks.”

I looked at him with a question mark on my face, “Gosh, Ron,” he whined, “I paid $650 for it a few years ago.” He was still whispering.

“Jeff, why are you whispering?” I whispered back.

He glanced over his shoulder to see if his wife was listening and he said, “Marie wants the darn thing out of the basement because it was the bed my first wife and I slept in for three years. She thinks I keep it to…”

“Oh, I see.” I interrupted with understanding. “No, Jeff, I don’t need a waterbed, but thanks anyway.”

Like Jeff and Marie, you may be thinking of having a garage sale before summer is over. If you are, then here are some tactics that will help make your sale more successful:

First of all, remember that some bargains aren’t bargains no matter how cheap they are. It doesn’t matter that you paid $800 only a few years ago for that Panasonic 33” TV with all the bells and whistles. It doesn’t even matter if you still have the original remote control and it has fresh batteries in it. Why would I pay you $35 for a television set that even the Goodwill won’t accept?

And don’t try the “it’s an antique” sales pitch. It is not an antique – it’s obsolete. The same goes for those VCR tapes, your old bowling ball, and that 2017 calendar from Jamaica (But it has such pretty pictures on it!).

Another thing – separate your stuff into men’s, women’s, and children’s stuff. I don’t like to look through a box of miscellaneous hardware and have to fight off a bunch of dusty Avon bottles. When I’m searching for a tool, I don’t want to find a bottle of anti-wrinkle cream made from green tea extract.

Also, while I’m poking around your “awesome crap,” don’t stare at me as if you recognize me from America’s Most Wanted. I’m not the guy. I’m just someone with too little money and too much time.

Jeff called me late Sunday afternoon, “You know that waterbed I was telling you about? I couldn’t sell the stupid thing, so I cut it up and built some shelves in the garage. Marie is a lot happier, and now we have a place to put all the junk we weren’t able to sell.”

Notice that after the sale was over, what was left was junk. I guess he sold all his awesome crap.

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